A ProcrastiKNITor's Recovery: Prayer

I made the label for prayer posts when I started this on the 22nd of January (2017) and haven't really posted under that category yet because it was not entirely defined as ab idea or topic that I had mapped out in my head to include in this blog yet...and to be honest this whole prayer thing is for the most part new to the adult me.

However, I have always believed in this spiritual theory I have come to this conclusion, this theory, that my heart, mind and soul can all agree on where they can't when it comes to religion. This theory is that the universe can tune into to the vibe of your soul that you put out. Like for example if you are always worried about a particular thing, you will attract that very thing you fear into your life.

I guess it is similar to the mindful manifestation meditations in that way. I truly believe if you put something into the universe, it will be heard. The more it is repeated, the louder and louder it will get, until you have this thing, (and by thing I mean whatever has been repeated like a particular worry or hope or whatever that thing or thought or prayer that may be), but putting it out there will eventually have that things undivided attention and it will find its way into your life in some form or fashion. I am not sure if I am explaining it correctly so that it will make sense outside of my own belief but hopefully you get the gist...and that gist is the direction of where I want to head with the prayer power posts. So I would like to make the first prayer power post today...

My first prayer power post is dedicated to this woman that spoke at my NA meeting today. When they were "hugging out" key tags, this woman stood up to accept her 24 hour coin. Not a lot of people wanted to share today, so there were plenty moments of silences to cut through. In one of those particular moments of silence, this woman spoke and introduced herself; she is 61 years old and I'll be damned if her story didn't resonate in the very recess of my soul. I am sure it would resonate with any alcoholic or addict because we have all been there in our way, in that dark place at one point or another. This woman had previously had 14 months sober and relapsed...she came to the meeting, having the courage to come back through the doors...now having 24 hours sober.

This relapse of hers took the shortcut route to FML-ville for her. She had gotten clean, had 14 months under her belt, had gotten her job back, was off the streets living in an oxford house, working on repairing her damaged relationships with her family...she said through the tears she didn't know why she relapsed. She had no reason, no justification...last time she relapsed, she had 3 months and it was because her son tried to hang himself (he survived) so she could cut herself some slack; but she didn't quit her journey and got sober rather quickly again afterward starting over again from scratch. She didn't understand why she had done it, thrown away 14 months of sobriety, thrown away her life she worked so hard to fix in just a moment of "stinkin' thinkin'"...she was beating herself up, ashamed of herself, looking for answers when there really isn't any, looking at something or someone in her immediate past to point the finger at to ease the burden of grief she was carrying so she didn't have to carry that weight on her own because some where in there she knows its her own damn fault like we all do and doesn't want to accept that, worried about the acceptance of others, how other people will judge her for falling of the wagon and if they would forgive her, she even admitted that she didn't forgive herself. The only thing she could find to explain it to herself was that she was feeling empty and bored, there wasn't anything chaotic going on and her life was on the mend and she was doing really good. Still, that empty and bored feeling that happens quite frequently through sobriety, she said she was able to wait it out all the other times. That time she grabbed a pint of vodka and her DOC (her drug of choice was huffing) and her life spiraled so quickly. In 24 hours she lost everything and was right back to square one...

She went to work drunk and high and they fired her, she went home and oxford house kicked her out, she went back to the streets and she got robbed of everything, even her mental health medications and her tools for her trade. She left her social security card at the hospital, when she tried to get into detox and there was no beds so she could at least have her card. As she spoke she brought back a lot of unpleasant memories to me, the DTs, the hallucinations, the night terrors, etc. I felt for her because I have been there in that dark place and alone. I know it was her own choice so I won't pity her, she will have plenty of that by her own doing. The spiral down can be hard and fast...to your rock bottom. It has not time limit...mine was 3 months and the life I had built from nothing and the person I was that I was proud of just utterly debased and lost. So I feel it, sister. Thank you for coming in today; for not giving up, for not quitting. You are worth it. Keep coming back.

Today, even though I don't know you and you don't know me...I pray for you. I wish you all the peace and strength that you need. I hope you will regain your life and your will. I hope you get your medications reissued and that a bed will open up for you and that this time will be your time. I pray for your family and hope you find forgiveness for yourself and from them. Blessed be.

The Just For Today Prayer

JUST FOR TODAY:

My thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.

JUST FOR TODAY:

I will have faith in someone in N.A. who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.

JUST FOR TODAY:

I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability.

JUST FOR TODAY:

Through N.A. I will try to get a better perspective on my life.

JUST FOR TODAY:

I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.